I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
