Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
