wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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