On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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