do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
