i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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