my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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