Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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