My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
