i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This is my gift to your gina
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
