Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
