I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
