Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
