you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
