i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
