she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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