I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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