Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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