I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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