As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
