Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
