The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize