Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
