Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize