end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize