Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
