i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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