Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize