you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
