I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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