i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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