thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
