i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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