Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
