it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
