If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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