I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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