I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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