I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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