Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
