I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
