We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
