we have officially lost it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
