I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
