I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
