I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
