My nipple is on Facebook.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
