You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
