a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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