I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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