Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
