i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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