You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
