dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
