I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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