so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
