I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
