let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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