Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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