Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
