The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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