Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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