My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
