My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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