i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
