So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
